Better then nothing I suppose:
https://db.tt/Sp7rMbAc
It's still a copy pasted response after spending all day yesterday messing around with my machine - but I'll take it over complete radio silence.
(This thread is the one they're actively following, supposedly).
On the bright side, I ripped open my case and threw in a new CPU cooler after noticing it was running a little warm while troubleshooting.